Alzheimer’s changes the lives of everyone it touches.  If dealing with the erratic behaviors and mood swings of a loved one with memory loss proves to be a frustrating experience for adult caregivers, it can be even more confusing for children. This is a topic that has been discussed at our monthly caregiver support group. To a child, it may seem like Grandma or Grandpa has changed drastically in a very short time, and this transformation can be puzzling because he or she doesn’t look “sick”.  The impact is often quite startling, particularly when contact is relatively infrequent, for example, when it is limited to holidays or important family gatherings.  All of a sudden, perhaps from one season to the next, Grandma or Grandpa may no longer recognize a favorite grandchild or be able to interact or carry on a conversation. 

It is only when children spend a lot of time with a relative with memory loss that they see the disease’s progress firsthand and begin to recognize that something is very seriously wrong.  They may notice that Grandpa forgets things with growing frequency, asks the same questions over and over, and even has trouble finding the right words for common items.  People with Alzheimer’s may cry, become angry for no apparent reason and even behave in ways that children find embarrassing.  Worst of all, a loved one with Alzheimer’s may remember them one day and treat them like a stranger the next. 

As a result, children may go through a range of emotions; from sadness to anger, embarrassment to guilt.  Children need to be made aware that these changes are not their fault and it doesn’t mean the  grandparent doesn’t love them anymore.  It is important to explain to children that people with Alzheimer’s are not behaving this way intentionally and that Alzheimer’s is an illness that slowly destroys the areas of the brain that control remembering, thinking and feeling.  You may also explain that Grandma or Grandpa’s mood swings or sudden outburst are symptoms of the frustration and fear they may be feeling because of these changes and their loss of control.

Keep explanations simple:  “Imagine you suddenly can’t remember people’s names, or where you live and you feel like even the people you live with are strangers.  Imagine how scary that would be.”  Once children are able to put themselves into their loved one’s shoes, they may find it easier to be understanding and compassionate.

With your help, children can be made to understand that memory loss is a real illness that they have no control over and are certainly not responsible for its occurrence.  Armed with that knowledge, they will generally begin to feel more able to provide the kind of unconditional love that is often the best medicine for someone with Alzheimer’s.

Try to include children in games and activities that Grandma or Grandpa enjoys.  Most of all, if you are caring for a loved one with Alzheimer’s in your home, try your best to keep the negative aspects of the disease from interfering with your children’s normal routines.  Children should feel free to be themselves, have friends visit and grow up in an environment that’s as positive as possible.

Please share with us how you have been able to help your child cope with understanding why Grandma is not the same.

Suggested Reading - "Always My Grandpa: A Story for Children About Alzheimer’s Disease."

Scacco, L. Washington, DC: Magination Press/American Psychological Association. 2005. 48 p. (ages 6-10)

Available from Magination Press Order Department, P.O. Box 92984, Washington, DC 20090-2984. (800) 374-2721; (202) 336-5510. Website: www.maginationpress.com. PRICE: $9.95 softcover, ISBN 9781591473121; $14.95 hardcover, ISBN 9781591473114